And because the average temperature in the desert in mid-July is hot enough to melt your skin, doing something outside is not an option. This is a problem, because anything that could be described as “fun” in Vegas likely costs buttloads of money. What makes it so bad is that after 10 minutes at a casino vacuums up most of your gambling fund, you’re left with nothing but time to kill and the paralyzing sense that you’re wasting way too much money. Put all that together and you’re about halfway to understanding just how miserable five days alone in Vegas feels. I’ve sat in countless putrid porta potties, I once shaved all my body hair just to see what it felt like, and I’ve watched more than 150 Chicago Cubs games in a single summer. Everyone is having the time of their lives around you, and even though you were excited when you arrived, you’re just off to the side wondering what you’re doing there. Five days in Vegas with friends or family is still probably four days too many, but being alone in Vegas is like finding out halfway through a party that you were invited by mistake.

Even though I know nothing about you, I’m fairly certain that five days alone in Vegas is enough to make anybody rethink their life. If that sounds like your idea of paradise, let me stop you right there, because you’re wrong.

I spent five days in Las Vegas by myself earlier this month.